shades of ivory.

can be the worst. especially when the one prior held so much meaning to you. leaving something behind to trek forward, unsure of the journey and how long it will take before you reach another plateau of resolve. 

but you know what’s cool? the starting over part. in many ways, I feel like I have completely stripped away so much of the younger me that it gets difficult to find my way back sometimes. but with every piece of me that gets discarded, a new piece finds a way in.

in some ways, I don’t like change. it’s frightening, unsettling, and often frowned upon. people like what they’re used to; when someone notices you’ve changed, all hell breaks loose. but in other ways, change is such an amazing rebirth. who says we can’t recycle ourselves? make our bodies into something new, rediscover who we are in a different skin, an older, wiser one? 

my life has completely transformed within the past two years, especially this one. I am in what some would almost consider my first relationship. it’s still new, still exciting, but it’s become a facet of my life that I’ve had to find ways to interweave with everything else. and while that hasn’t been easy, and probably will only get harder, it’s a great feeling. knowing that I’m sharing the highest and lowest points of my every day with someone who makes me both vulnerable and comfortable. but come nightfall, it’s great to tell someone “I love you,” and hear a warm “goodnight, sleep sweetly,” before closing my eyes. 

I’ve learned how important it is to be confident in everything you do. and I’ve learned that the hard way, by losing confidence. and once you’ve lost it in a number of things, it’s so tough to get it back. but I think confidence comes with self-assurance, comfort, and happiness. knowing you’re where you want to be, knowing where you’re going. I can feel myself getting really close sometimes, but I still have a lot of growing up to do before I can get back to the same level of confidence I had in high school. I’ve realized that comes with the territory of starting from the bottom (please don’t hum that terrible drake song). 

feeling like a freshman again at a new school with a whole new crowd of people can be a little overwhelming. I’m sad to say it took a major toll on my self-esteem. I felt as if I had to reevaluate the entire course of my life in just two semesters, conquer the world with a 4.0 (almost, I’m at a 3.9 and I’ll take it), master the art of understanding and interacting with extremely intimidating fellow artists, and do it all in some really adorable wedges and flannel shirts. 

and while I’m still learning, I know that in the midst of all of my confusion and self-evaluation, I found one of the purest forms of my potential. I’m finally able to envision my goals within my reality, and I’m realizing that I am completely capable. I don’t just have to rely on others to place their trust in me: I am starting to finally see it prove itself. 

if we’re being so upfront here, let me just say one thing: I’m scared shitless, for everything. I’m honestly such a coward, and if one thing were to ever stop me from achieving what I want most, it’s all of my pesky fears that find their way into my head.

but the more I achieve, the less room there is for fear. I have no other choice but to act fearless and strong. and that’s such an exciting challenge.

I’m such a work in progress right now, and sometimes I feel really close to falling apart. I think I’m a mess; I probably have been for the past year. but the good news is, I can see myself coming out on the other side with more great opportunities and confidence in myself than I’ve ever imagined. maybe I’m being too hopeful, but I will rue the day I ever decided to give up.

I start my internship tuesday. forty hours a week, and I’m so nervous. but I’m also really excited because this is the first big step I’m taking in my career. the first real taste of what I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life. and I can’t wait.

I have a reputation for underestimating myself. it’s a habit I need to break, because I’ve realized I’m destined for more than what I’ll ever be able to give myself credit for. 

and that’s why I love how much I love what I love. you don’t have to understand any of this; I don’t expect you to. hell, you might not have even gotten to the end of this post without yawning and checking facebook three times. 

I guess what I’m saying is,
this is gonna be fun.